freeze frame

I’d like to show you the camera I bought today. I could take a picture of it and post it here. But to take a picture of the camera I have to put battery in it and even so I don’t know how I am to take a picture of my camera using my camera. Might hold a mirror up to it. Then it’d look like a blur, like looking at the sun. So let me just tell you, it’s a really nice camera (Sony Cybershot) for a reasonable price ($220) and I’m happy I bought it.

That’s why I was at the mall. Got there at 4 and left at 5. I’d be dizzy if I stayed there any longer. Golden light bulbs and frosty shopwindows… kids lining up to sit on Santa’s lap… and there I was coming down the escalator and I thought, I must not miss this. I must not miss this. If I don’t steer my mind into the right direction, everything around me would become meaningless.

It is said that men don’t go for attractive women because attractive women are so full of themselves and have no time for others. And for me, I have bought this camera to reclaim the little bit of life I lost in the last month. November has been a good teacher. My heart is thankful.

my little dears

The tricky part is to write about it and not think it. Even trickier is to think about not thinking about it, and still take pride in recognizing my not thinking about it. But it's too late now, you see, I have already written about it. So I'm better off to let it stay. Watch these rows of letters paint my state of mind in black and white strokes.

I cried when I saw the movie Beautiful Mind. It was the part when John Nash revisits the campus and while sitting down talking with an old acquaintance he notices his imaginary friends standing next to him and he points to them, says to them, "I know you're here, but you need to fuck off. You need to fuck off because I intend to carry on with this life. It's a little life, and I might only have one shot, so you really need to fuck off, if you don't mind." He doesn't say that exactly, but when I saw it, I wanted to pat him on the back.

And there I am sitting in a recently-discovered coffee shop enjoying hot creamy soup and watching the funny world slide from right to left and left to write and I just know these little ones would come and stand next to me. "Spare some change," they might say, or, "Remember me?" And I'd say, "Fuck off." And they'd fuck off. How cool is that? The more we rehearse this, the sooner I won't have to swear anymore.

like i'm a mooncake or something

Have I been living an untested life, or have I been so good at these tests I just don't feel like I'm being tested and I'm just cruising along saying Hi, Bye, Hi and driving 80 kilo on Bayview going north tailgating the SUV in front me thinking he would move out of the way to let me, me, me go ahead cos I'm this bigshot who passes every test every dealt to him in this life, yet he doubts his ability, and doubts even more that no tests had ever been given to him. No tests? No way... there must be something... lurking around the corner waiting to bite my face off like I'm a mooncake or something.

trite

What I want for Christmas...

A complete list of monosyllabic English verbs and

A complete list of monosyllabic English adjectives.

Then I'll never have to say words like 'serviceable' again.

love is all music

A thought on Friday: They envy me because I actually write. In order to write well, I have to make time. Each night I write. I define my task before I begin. My task tonight: To give shape to the final section of the story. I am revisiting the story with Carson and Audrey again.

A thought today: I’ll write till eight. This is to make up for last night and very possibly today I’ll have to grind it out too. Here I am. Just now listening to Voice and Le Couple and earlier this morning was listening to Speed. It’s funny how I fall into these Japanese songs whenever I’m down. These songs have taken on a different meaning now. Not so much to remind me of the rainy days. They are more like support. They are more like, here, see how you’ve overcome that time of fragility? If you can overcome seventeen-eighteen and the whirlwind that followed, you can overcome anything.