trinity

If I'm always seeking a breakthrough one day I'll puncture my soul and that wouldn't be good. My soul is all and well-rounded as he is, what breakthrough could I possibly demand of him? He is aware. And it's the awareness that matters most.

I'm capable of not so philosophical thoughts too. I catch myself having noodles in a restaurant somewhere in Scarborough around 4:30pm, too late to call it a lunch and too early for dinner, yet there I was enjoying a plate of fried noodles with sprouts and a milk tea and a good book I bought yesterday.

I'm capable of ideas that have nothing to do with milk tea. Like sleep, for example, something I ought to do now if I want to start brightly tomorrow. I will read. And I will think of you. And when I actually meet you, I don't have to think of you anymore cos you'll be right in front of me, or right beside me if we happen to be walking and not sitting in some restaurant. So there.

one piece

Must sleep.

But feel I should say something here.

Thank you for your kind comments.

I spent this weekend finishing a story about a person who sings by herself. The first paragraph sounds goes like this:

Room 9 is just a nothing little room if you think about it, and if you don’t think so much about it, it won’t get any bigger than it should. After all, I’m only here to practise for a contest that means nothing to me. No one’s listening now. Just me here and Loretta C there on the silver screen moving her lips to make the shapes of the words of the song, but she isn’t really here, and I know I should have enough thought power to make her small as a dot, put her away in a corner, or better yet, keep her and listen to what she’s trying to tell me, even with her voice turned off and the background music playing…

A word about disaster: We cannot relate because we are so far away. But if we are in that situation we have the strength to get through. I for sure have the strength. Now, of course, sitting here typing and preparing myself for sleep in my comfy bed, it's difficult to believe in such strength within myself. But when it's needed, it's there.

A word about sleep: Lately I've been having funny dreams. I would wake up and for the first two seconds I feel "I don't quite have it together". Tonight I look forward to sleeping tight and waking up in one piece.

Night.

retain kind thoughts

As we sat there watching people walk by, I thought about how pretentious many of these people were. The way they seemed to be trying really hard to uphold a certain image while they were walking. Some of them looked like they had rehearsed their walks. I asked my friend what she thought, and she reminded me of a statement I thought I had always known, an idea I thought I had been practising very well: Reserving judgment is a matter of infinite hope. I thought I was more patient and more non-judgmental than anyone I knew, until I got to know my friend. And so tonight, before I go to bed, this is what I say to myself: Retain kind thoughts of the people around you. Retain kind thoughts.

old stuff

"I won't get married till I'm 4o," I said to my friend and she replied, "It's so unfair. A man can marry late. But a woman can't because after 30, all the old stuff come out..." and she was pointing to her face and by "stuff" she meant wrinkles and age spots and stuff like that and I thought, "True. I'm glad I'm not a woman." And I felt bad for having this thought.

At dinner, I thought the Korean waitress was very beautiful. I took a mental note of this from the moment she took our orders. In fact, throughout this day I met many fine-looking girls, like the girl at the restaurant who led customers to the tables (though I had found her a bit cold in her black outfit) and the girl at the Taiwanese Buddhist event who was in charge of selling the books (and I made a note to myself to practise more Mandarin). I bought a book from her and I'm about to read it.

As for my friend who was talking about the old stuff that is to come out on her face after she turns 30. She has a way of expressing herself that makes me feel she is very receptive to reality. She knows she will get old and she knows she should do something about it like go out to travel, explore, meet a nice rich man, and so on, and here I am thinking, what if we never get old? What if I'm always young?

the lights that hover around these upside-down wineglasses

Notes to self on the concept of embracing impermanence:

In hockey, a timely save is a momentum swing.

In basketball, a big-time block starts a fast break the other way.

These sentences make sense to me. I create my own meaning.

I'm in love with these warm summerish nights. Feelings of not wanting to go home. But still I'm here and had finished another solid writing session, seeing my story take shape. Before I came home I stopped by the tea house. I sat at the table waiting for them to make my tea. I took in the moment to indulge in the lights that hovered around the tea house. The place wasn't so crowded, and it would have been a fine night for a kind of get-together.

all i have to do

In this moment I understand I need to sleep but I fear I might not be able to given the bubble tea I was drinking and this other cup of hot tea that mom had brought into my room. It does concern me to get quality sleep tonight for I have to take the bus to school tomorrow. This means I have to wake up early. I wish I had more time to tell you all the brilliant moments I had today, but now, what I need is sleep.

what have i retained

Do you want to be the voice of everyone?”

Can I?

I think about all the people I haven’t come to understand and their many layers of suffering I might never encounter in my life, as well as their many layers of joy, and the times they move from joy to pain and back to joy and all the moments of weaknesses and epiphanies that string together this unplotted journey… and after all, how often, in these days that I’ve been practising in this little room, have I gone out to hear the cries and cheers of the everyday people? And how am I to sustain any sense of connectedness when I’m practising in here all alone?

I know many songs and I can sing all of them. But it’s impossible to be the voice of everyone! It would be arrogant and unreal. I only sing for myself. But the prospect of being heard gets me excited, and I find myself drowning in this ocean of vanity, yet somewhere in this swollen little body I have retained a corner of my heart that is sincere; I had retained this little corner from the time I was very little, to save me from drowning completely, and to give me a chance to save people who are just like me. Amy, solid lines win solid love. Let me help you as I help myself connect the dots. I have Confidence retained in here.

those days and these days are really all the same

How can I pass up on these summer nights? And what to make of these sentiments about where I stand in the world and what they think of me? I have lived so long with my imperfections, and what makes me think I can't continue to live this way? Such are my imperfections and they are perfect beyond this world.

This weekend I browsed the entire biography section of the bookstore. Had fried noodles at a cozy Chinese food court with TV sets. Discovered a new Starbucks. Attended Karen's wedding. Reunited with a long lost friend at the wedding. Interviewed a radio DJ. Shared my favourite books with Vivian. Revisited a run-down shopping arcade where I bought my first radio in Canada some eighteen years ago. Walked around Woodie Woodchucks. Had a mint green bubble tea while sitting on the bench outside T&T Supermarket on a late Sunday evening watching people trying to make it from the parking lot to the shop entrance without getting hit by cars. Their shiny clothes glittered with the night lights. I saw some very attractive girls. I saw some very handsome couples too. And I felt so part of it. Yes, there were moments in which I thought I had forgotten myself. And I was just there. Totally there.

Even now, as I'm sitting here trying to string together some coherent sentences, I feel very much at myself. I want to thank so many people, and most of all, I ought to thank myself for treating myself so gently through these recent hard times.

I pray for Karen and her husband Peter. Marriage is a wonderful thing even though I don't want it for myself.

I pray for Vivian and I hope the books will help her like they've helped me.

I pray for Irene because she deserves good fortune.

I pray for my dad who called me earlier today, but I didn't have time to talk with him longer. I'll call him back tomorrow.

I need to sleep.