the centre of my body flattened

Have been rather angry lately for not accepting, no the word I like to use is ‘embrace’, for not embracing what I have. I’m okay. The writing… Some nights I feel so weird… like I’m doing this all alone, this art of writing stories, the one thing that has brought my sanity back to me, this one art that I go about alone, no one knows about it… It’s okay. I don’t need others to know about it. I will write my book. Then they will know about it. I don’t even need all of them to know about it. Just a few thinking people who read and say ah… I understand. That sort of thing will put me in instant heaven. Or to make the heavy-hearted person a little lighter… that’s good too.

But for me, standing in the empty parking lot as the sun sets behind gray clouds makes me so lonely. It takes someone special to be with someone special and how I see myself to be special, and the word ‘special’ really doesn’t say much, and that’s because I don’t know too much what I am, if only I can draw this contour of myself in solid pencil, but no I wouldn’t want that because I would be trapped on paper, and when they try to erase me, they rub me so hard yet the remains of my lines still lie on the page and that would hurt. But what I mean is it’s nice to have someone sit with you in empty parking lots. I’m lonely. But what have I done to make myself worthy of someone? I need to buy some new clothes. I need to talk to people. I need to sleep better. I need to take better care of myself and not feel tired so much. Ah, there, that’s what I need.

While sitting in lecture I had a thought, I said to myself, wait a minute, I’m young, it’s all in my hands if I want to change, things are still exciting, and they will always be because I have vowed never to grow up. I’m willing to pay the price. But really, I’m not all that special. Really, you won’t even notice me. And I like it that way, like for this book I’m working on, no one knows about it, but it will be written, I don’t say nothing about my work, but my book will happen. I don’t mean to thump my nose at nobody. I just want to make a connection with people in a way that is more out of the way for I don’t always feel at myself when I’m with somebody, I feel more at myself when I’m writing, typing, when words are coming out of me. Isn’t that sad? It makes me think if there’s someone out there as crazy as me. We shall fall in love.

fish candies

It’s funny. Now that I’m typing, it isn’t so much recording these memories as it is for me to see it at the moment again for myself. These memories will fade. They always do. That’s fine. But just by writing it at least I can see it now, and I’d be a fool to ask for more.

Jin was so funny the way she gave me the present, when she pulled it out of her bag. She reminded me of a little mouse in that moment, for some reason, it was a very genuine expression. She made me candies in the shape of fish, some are red, some are blue. Saying goodbye is so awkward.

I’m a good teacher. That’s all I’ll say. I’ve known this for awhile, but today, I had it confirmed to me, yet again. I'm so blessed.

night night

It's midnight, not exactly midnight... It looks like 12:00 but if you take a closer look it actually says 12:08. I'm so tired. I don't wear my glasses. I told my friend that people look prettier when I walk on the street without glasses he laughed out really loud. I'm so tired. I want oto wake early tomorrow and eat an apple. It will be my last day volunteering at the high school. I want to prepare well for it by eating an apple in the morning. Night night.

an excursion to Toronto

How fortunate to have a friend to go around to places and spend $100 on food on one afternoon! We went to Azure and Jamie Kennedy. We sat at the wine bar and the waiter was telling us about the wines but while I enjoyed the salad and asked for a cranberry juice. Sometimes I feel that my friend and I can talk about anything. I really think this. I don’t feel this way with many people and it’s odd, for today we met, and we haven’t met in many months, and it was almost two years ago we spent time together just the two of us walking around the downtown streets and laughing at this and that and trying good food. At Azure I ordered a plate of Gnocchi and the portion was so small I almost cried. I said I could get a bigger portion from the free samples at Costco and we both laughed. Throughout today I have gathered so many images, fragmented ones, moments… and I’m not sure what to do about them. I know. I let them go. That’s the best way.

On the way back I took the GO Train from Union to Mount Joy and as the train passed through Scarborough I got to look into people’s backyards. It was the sunset hours and many people were enjoying the weather in their backyards. The city was alive. Then the thought came to me as to why I can talk and laugh so easily with my friend about anything. It’s the shared memory we have. Shared memory is what ties people together. My friend and I have too much and it’s too funny and funny… lots of ha ha funnies. I feel so light.