A Teacher Reflects

As a teacher I want my kids to learn and have fun in the classroom. I am always sensitive to the comments the kids make about my class, both positive and negative comments, and thankfully I’ve been getting more positives than negatives, and so it makes me think that I’m functioning well as a teacher, and that I’m well-liked, and I like to be well-liked, don’t we all? Thankfully, I am passed the stage where I would enter a classroom trying to please everyone and end each class deep in a puddle of emotions, wondering how the students thought of my lesson, how they thought of me, which is silly for it matters not what they think of me, it matters not what anyone thinks of me, idealistically speaking.

I remember one day, two years ago, after a month-long intensive teacher training program, I found myself in a bronzy coffee shop drowned in an abyss of self-evaluation, all the while scribbling a piece, the content I don’t remember, but it revolved around the phrase, all I want is for you to like me... I was so tired. Those were my blurry days.

Tonight I’m tired too, but I walk with a quiet confidence, though I walk often alone, and this confidence is prone to dwindling and shrinking under different climates, it’s still good to know it’s there and I’m here, tired, but walking with dignity, with a kinder spirit. The classroom is filled with abstract ideas for me to explore and concretize. This is my gift: to concretize the abstract and deliver these little morsels of insight to those who are hungry and hopeful. “You’re a one-of-a-kind teacher,” a student said to me today. Back in my blurry days I would have given deep thoughts to a comment like this, and by so doing I would fall into a series of elated tremors and unfounded worries. But tonight, as I reflect on a long day of teaching, I merely relish a moment of infinite gratitude that this student’s comment gives me, before I proceed to read the next student’s essay and plan the next day’s lesson.