orange thoughts

The sounds of ice-cream truck and kids playing outside and birds… From my bedroom window I can look pass my backyard into a row of three-story townhouses. The sunlight reflects off those orangey brick walls so that it looks sort of Spanish. I love lying in bed with the windows opened in these summer afternoon. I feel so thankful whenever I have a chance to do that and lately with the weather being warmer I’ve given myself many chances to do it. I’m so blessed. Oh there’s a dog barking. Don’t poke it with that stick now.

In these late summer afternoons when the sun is setting I am seized by some sort of sentiment which usually starts off being romantic but ends up being a sort of depression and I’d have thoughts about moving to Vancouver. I used to think that I do this on purpose, meaning that I'd drive myself to this sort of depression by playing Anzen Chitai’s Koi No Yokan on my car stereo while driving westward up the slope on Sheppard Avenue and I’d be in that stupid-writerly sort of mood and I'd be telling myself 'oh here's a poetic moment and I gotta capture it in a poem when I get home' only to have such thoughts evaporate with the boiling water I use to make my macaroni dinner. Nowadays I figured if I stay away from the music and not think all romantic and shit then I’d be okay. But in the last few weeks, this feeling comes to me and I don’t even try. It’s crippling. But it does get better after the sun is completely set, when it’s night. It’s even better if the Jays have a night game on the radio and they’re winning. It’s even better if it happens to be a night when I don’t have to wake up early next morning. But that’d be asking too much.

I also revisited my Urban Nobody Theory this afternoon. Part of me want to write about it here, but no, it's too complex. I want to keep to myself for now. Plus, I don't think anybody cares. (laugh)