dreams and anxiety and everything in between

Do you think I’m immature? This, I asked my friend. I would not say this to you if you didn’t have what you have, I said to her, you have… emotional capacity. It saddens me, it saddens me that my friend has grown up. This last sentence sounds silly but that’s what the situation essentially is, and I’ve made up my mind I will not grow up, made up my mind that my friends will drive nicer cars and live in bigger houses and have more toys for their kids to play with, I’ve made up my mind. This is the path I choose to take and I have no reason to expect my friend to follow my path, buy my friend had so much going for her, she had, had, an emotional capacity that brought me out of my troubles and it hurts me so much to see her consumed by gray buildings and gray jackets and bank notes.

I told another friend the other day, I will be a teacher, I said to him, while he talks about going back to HK to work in a big company, and asks me if I’d join, then he said to me, I thought you were gonna be something great. I really thought you’d be something great, he said. I wasn’t offended, but it sounded funny, I didn’t laugh, I wasn’t sure to laugh or cry. I’m still great, I said to myself, then I said to him, how do you know I won’t write the next Great Canadian Novel?

I’m okay. I have lots about me I need to fix and I know what they are and I’ll be okay. I need to feel my presence. I need to feel my space. Had a bit of an anxiety attack today, it happens.

I was holding back tears talking to my friend today.

If a body catch a body…

Gray jacket metal wrist watch guys are always standing around the rye field, smothering dreams.

And like this I am reminded, of why I want to be a teacher. . Rise. Rise.

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Few years ago I visited my girlfriend in Japan and went to the little shack where she was living, a crummy old place which she has managed to keep clean despite the crumminess of the structure. How can they do this to you? I asked her. She didn’t answer. She was out on her own, working to support herself, while I was still a highschooler looking forward to university. How I lagged behind. She turned 25 yesterday. I thought about sending her just a little message, but I didn’t. It would bring back so much. I didn’t want to go there. No no nonononononononononononononononono.

I’m okay.

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Can I say this?:

I don’t get it and I never will for if I get it it’ll become boring so I’d rather not get it.

But I know in a few years I’ll be in a situation in which I have to get it and when that comes I will get it.

And even when I get it I can still let myself not get it and if I don’t have to get it I’d rather not.

But really, I get it. Deep down I get it. I might look like I don’t get it but I get it and when gun points at my head I do get it I do I do I do. It’s just when I don’t have to I’d rather not.

Is that selfish?

Would you want this kind of boyfriend?

I shouldn’t have asked that.