Scotty Stevens & Skittly Skittles

What is wrong with me? I cannot seem to write today. Scott Stevens has retired. I hate that guy. I just can’t stand him. But I respect him. Hard work wins, he has proven that.

Handout from writing class: Oakley Hall’s Rules for Writers. (Who’s Oakley Hall?)

Rule #1. Write everyday.

I try. I do. Tonight I was doing everything there is to do and drag and drag and drag in order to stay away from writing. Do I fear? I have not posted here in many days. I have not written for many days, not since I last rushed that piece, that introduction piece I wrote for the anthology (which I’ve posted below). Dear me. Am I losing it? Losing what? Losing what? Look at my fingers, look how they dance across the keyboard. Look how easy it is once I calm and tap the letters and words and sentences as they come to me, step step step, the water isn’t too cold, no? Silliness. Petty silliness.

All day I roam around thinking, about Skittles. Skittles avec capital S, the ones that come in rainbow colours, them candies you eat, with colours that actually correspond to a certain fruit taste, unlike Smarties and M&Ms where red ones don’t correspond to strawberry nor does yellow ones to lemon, and blue ones are just hell confusing. That’s why I like Skittles. They don’t play with my mind. I relish the comfort of knowing that when I put a green one in my mouth I know it’ll be lime, or purple for grape etc etc. But one can also argue that the exquisiteness of Smarties and M&Ms is that they leave you to ‘fancy’ a taste that’s not really there. For example, when I put a green Smartie in my mouth, I have to imagine it to taste like lime (or melon or pear or kiwi or avocado). To do this I need to adjust my brain in such a way that it sends signals to the right spots on my tongue that triggers say…thirty parts of sweet and seventy parts of sour plus a sensation that resembles an off-lemon with a ‘ting’…in order that I can convincingly say to myself, ‘Yes, it’s lime,” and if once my brain becomes accustomed to this, I may fancy other green tastes like that of melon or pear or kiwi or avocado (though the latter would be a challenge for it is argued that it might be a vegetable and is best appreciated when wrapped inside Cali hand rolls). At the advanced stage, I could get myself to taste lime even if the colour is red or yellow or orange, and it’d be like, I get lime whenever I want it, and that’d be too weird. Having said that, blue ones remain most confusing. If you visit the Skittles website, you can play online Skittles game and learn more about their other products like them ones that blend two fruits into one and you end up with a hazy mellow fusion of pink and turquoise and they’d say it’s grapefruit-berry fusion confusion fusion and I’d be like, can you just give me my original rainbow colours please!!!

Back to Oakley Hall’s list.

2. Observe and listen (and you’ll start seeing little Skittles bulge through dry walls)

3. Employ all the senses (but just don’t blend Skittles)

4. Use strong verbs (but don’t use ‘jiggle’ for Skittles don’t do that, it’s Jello that does but I swear if you stare at a Skittle long enough, especially them melancholic purple ones…)

5. Detail!!!!

The list goes on and on…

Who’s Oakley Hall?

I have written. At last. About Skittles. But least I have written. I feel better. Let’s go march the 2am streets and wake up some neighbours. Crazy young man have you not better things to do like study for your LSAT?

Scott Stevens. I wanted to say something about Scott Stevens. Or have I already said? Here it is: If I can write like the way Scott Stevens plays hockey, greatness will be all mine.

And isn’t that great?

Scott Stevens is cool. How ‘bout them New Jersey Devils Skittles Devils Skittles Devily Devilish Skittly Skittles Skip Skip Skip Skippy Sleepy me.

Caption: Look at them sad little faces in Ottawa while Scotty and Marty jump for joy. The have-Skittles and the have-not-Skittles.